Super Tuesday Presidential Candidates and Their Toilet Paper Brand Equivalents

Well, it’s here: Super Tuesday. Arguably the second most important date in an election cycle behind the actual general election. On the Republican side, 11 states will vote and ultimately dish out 595 delegates to the five remaining candidates. On the Democratic side, Clinton and Sanders will battle for 865 delegates in 11 states and American Samoa. These primary elections have been an absolute circus. Candidates hurling middle-school insults at each other, barking like dogs, tweeting (this is where I imagine I’ve gone back to 1776 and had to explain to Benjamin Franklin what tweeting is and how it’s become a platform for candidates running for the most important office in the world and I have to look into Ben’s disappointed eyes and console him and tell him everything they’re working for still has meaning), and acting in a morally questionable manner. What better way to describe my feelings towards them all while tying in the central theme of our new blog site than by comparing each candidate with the paper we use to wipe our butts. Without further adieu.


Donald Trump – Charmin Ultra Soft

On the surface Charmin Ultra Soft seems like it’s a great idea. Easily the richest of the toilet papers (63 cents/176-sheet roll). Strong message with the two-ply action. People who use this probably think to themselves “Hey, there’s no harm in this. I know this is probably a little over-the-top and I don’t need it but hey I’ll give it a whirl.” But ultimately after a few months of  use the shtick gets old. Even the jingle with the bears running around and singing “Cha Cha Cha Charmin” lacks substance. Next thing you know, the toilet bowl starts acting up, it gets tougher and tougher to flush and next thing you know you’re calling up the plumber and your stuck with a $367 bill. Make pooping great again!

Bernie Sanders – Cottonelle Aloe & E

Designed to be as gentle as possible, Cottonelle Aloe & E gives everyone what they think they want. Aloe on toilet paper is like free education and healthcare for everyone. All the poor people want it but at the end of the day it’s outlandish and unrealistic plus who’s gonna pay for that?!?

Ted Cruz – Envision

Ever get into work after a miserable commute go straight for the shitty pantry coffee in your office only to be speed walking to the bathroom thirty minutes later? You finally get into the stall for a little relief and when you go to grab for a couple squares you get hit with the harshest, sandpaper-like ply imaginable. This unique design has the sole purpose of making you and your bum sensitive for the next 24 hours of your life. Uncomfortable, unnecessarily harsh, and probably doesn’t believe in evolution. That’s what envision is all about.

Hillary Clinton – Scott 1000

Probably the most sensible toilet paper in the game. Scott 1000 is nothing flashy but for a one-ply TP it’s got the best value. Dissolves quick and easily, quality price per roll (67 cents/1000-sheet roll), and won’t clog the internal plumbing. However, it’s also the type that is perceived as rough, falls apart in your hand, and will probably not do as good a job as its husband.

Marco Rubio – Quilted Northern Mega Roll

Ranking somewhere in the middle of the pack, Quilted Northern is the brand we’ve all heard of but nobody’s ever really taken the plunge and tested it out. It appears to be a well-absorbing, thick 2-ply product that remains strong when wet. Much like Charmin Ultra Soft, you could run into issues with plumbing here. But that’s just a chance you’re going to have to take when you purchase anything with “Mega” in it’s title.


So, there you have it. They’re all shit.